|
|
Thursday, December 24th, 2009
| |
4:45 pm - Christmas Eve Blessings
|
|
Merry Christmas everyone! We were going to go to church as they were having a communion service, but sadly the streets are iced over badly and it's actually canceled. (Has to be bad to cancel...this church is dedicated). I told my kids if they want to wear their pj's now, go ahead. We're going to make a cake for Jesus's (is that the proper way or is it Jesus'?) birthday. We're going to eat a hearty meal, have crackers and cheese, juice, hot cocoa, cinnamon rolls, and maybe play some uno...just have a little party of our own. We're going to read from Luke likely...and just chill together.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, December 21st, 2009
| |
8:41 am - Blah to the Weasles
|
|
Okay, name calling is not nice BUT I don't like the 1 am weasles in DC who pushed forward on that bill. I know God is in control, I get that. I am glad because right now I see this as very BAD for America. It must be good for His kingdom...in some way.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, December 17th, 2009
| |
11:27 pm - Facebooking Mom's Friends...weirdness
|
My mother is in prison for about 43 more years. She was charged with dealing meth, crossing the state lines doing it, and having weapons in her house. Weapons with drugs = possible big sentences. Because they believed my mom was the supplier, she got 45 years. The dealer got something like 3 years. Not exactly fair...but hey, my mom lived in Texas so what do you expect? I've been in contact with her, and she has claimed it's not at all her fault. I think the truth is she did deal it, help with it, and knew all about it. I think she's guilty, but am not so sure about 45 years for it. She never admitted guilt in the case (she'd have gotten 15 years). Another part of the sentence is no hope for parole.
I have a facebook. It's been interesting contacting people out there in the world, finding high school friends, college friends, and even elementary friends. I found the lady named Ruth who took me in when my mom ran off to Texas from drug dealing charges in Kansas (marijuana). I was five, and lived with Ruth for about 6 months. She took care of me then, though my dad was trying to find me. If she hadn't taken me in, I think I would have ended up in a Texas Harley bar, would have been molested as a child...would have been into alcohol and drugs. I would have likely been pregnant as a teen. This would have been my world. But it wasn't.
A friend of mom's found me first through the newspaper I wrote for a while back. She did a google search and my name came up. Then, we connected via facebook. No big deal. I did share what happened to my mom to her...and she was shocked. She had been my mom's playmate thoughout their childhoods. She knew my grandparents, great aunts and uncles, and great grandparents. She also knew my dad as they all went to the same college. She knew me as a baby. It's been nice to contact her.
This friend is now in contact with my mom, I've shared how to do this and she's also emailing (allowed in prison as I found out). Thing is, she's announced it to her friends' list, and I was mentioned. I am getting messages from these high school friends, and they are wanting to contact her, pray for her, feel so bad for her. I really feel mixed about this. My mom has not cared about me or those I really love for years and years. She badmouths my grandpa and great aunt, both very special to me. She always denies any fault in anything she's done. So it's hard for me to see all these people feeling sorry for her. I know it's great for people to contact her, probably good for her, but then again, I don't trust her. What if she scams all these nice people?
Of course, I think her sentence should be reduced (took a while to get there). I just have this side of me that feels unhappy about her getting all this sympathy and attention from all these people. I really also have been a bit overwhelmed by the comments to me, saying sorry my mom's in prison when I hardly know her because she just wasn't around. She wasn't a factor in my life. She is now a factor on facebook...even if it's only for a short time. She has seemed to despise my life and wants little to no contact with my family, my kids. Even when I've reached out. Now she's got all these people and a circle of support.
And then I think, "we are supposed to visit those in prison." gulp. Maybe this whole thing happened so she could get some people to contact her, pray for her, and give her support whether I feel she deserves it or not.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, November 10th, 2009
| |
7:15 am - Girl of Fire
|
Girl of fire
soul and wind
running round me
till I spin
you no longer
let me rock
steal my heart
trick the clock
Girl of passion
swirls of fury
buzzing bee
sharp and blurry
run to share
a buttercup
flit float fly
dare's your sup
sweet uncaged
dancing bell
chime all day
till sun's farwell.
DML
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| |
7:07 am - Boy of Boy
|
Boy of boy
short on stature
long on knights
lego dragons
ninja dreams
boy of boy
of arched eyebrow
small crooked lips
curve mischief
boy of boy
sprinting
sword fighting
splashing puddles
fungi feet
boy of boy
conquerer
scaling trees
treking bike paths
wiping blood
skinned knees
boy of boy
you hide your
thoughts
silent
until you crack
and we burst
with laughter
boy of boy
I ponder you
over here
too boy
to let
a mamma near
you allow
a whisper
little man
I love you.
DML
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
6:42 am - Sweet Four Eyes
|
Sweet Four Eyes
of giggles and blonde
wisps of hair
pearl tooth smiles
pronounce
"I wuv ooo moama"
all the sun
leaps in your
dance
of peanut butter fingertips
and milky
belly
"I two" you say
to anyone
stealing their
very heart
as you
flit by.
DML
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
5:56 am - Selfishness....
|
Selfishness is not my friend, though she sits with me often enough to become an annoyance and a false comfort....
(this was my facebook quote...and someone commented "she makes herself comfortable in my house even though she is not welcome.)
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, October 19th, 2009
| |
9:56 am - Cannot believe my former pastor...
|
|
I have a friend stuck in our former church because her husband cannot see the issues. She rarely listens to sermons, but because they had guests at church she sat during the last sermon. The pastor claimed, "we do 60-70% of sermons verse by verse chapter by chapter." I checked it out by going through the sermons...they list the passages they study. If a section of scripture was done two weeks in a row, or was picked up again after a few weeks, then I counted it. It turned out that the verse by verse were about 21 weeks, and the "themed" weeks were about 31 weeks....for the last three years. That's opposite what he said. He then went on saying, "why I like chapter by chapter/verse by verse is because a pastor cannot be accused of having an agenda." Really. What if he gets his facts wrong? What if he actually uses the chapters and verses for his own means. Even Satan used scripture for his own means. Silly pastor.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, October 16th, 2009
| |
11:23 am - 21 weeks ish
|
|
I am at 21 weeks since my LMP. Because of the placenta in the front, I do not feel kicking often. I do still feel movement every day, just not as much as I do when the placenta is in a better position. Last doctor appointment on Wednesday I heard the heartbeat...but again through the placenta. I could hear my rhythm with the baby's. My blood pressure was 122/80, heartbeat for baby was about 130. I have gained weight, but have broken even since the first doctor's appointment. So, officially, I haven't gained anything. I do walk as much as I can stand it (it's been rainy and cold). I just overeat too often, and this will cause me to balloon if I don't start being more careful. I am enjoying this pregnancy, and hope to have a better birth experience than last time. Of course, it's about healthy baby, healthy mom...but it's always nice to have good mental and emotional health for me after birth because I had a good nurse/good doc. We shall see!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, October 11th, 2009
| |
9:14 am - Ladies Night and Church Chatting... (not church lady style though)
|
|
A friend of mine had a birthday party, and it was just four of us. Since being adults, what do we do at a party? Talk, listen to music, talk, eat, talk, eat some more. It was quite nice to be out. My husband stayed home with the kids, and we have a horrible cough with fever going around at home, so that was a challenge. They get grumpy when they have fevers. (It's not fluA or B as the doctor tested).
The interesting thing about this group of women is we are all former long time members of our former church. We all left after much turmoil, and it was for basically the same reasons in the long run. We began sharing our stories with each other. ( Shared stories, similarities and differences but the same result....we left that church.... )
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, October 8th, 2009
| |
11:39 am - Deficit...Oh too bad
|
My former church is facing a giving deficit. Oh, I have to say, if they are teaching false doctrine then I don't feel so bad for them. Of course, giving is down in this "bad economy" everywhere.
Speaking of deficit...I am hoping my husband tithes at our new church. I have been praying week after week that when God is ready for him to support a church, my husband would give. One day we'll be able to tithe...cannot wait to see if this is the church and the place. It's my sign of things are "as they should be." I will know we can trust then.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, October 3rd, 2009
| |
9:17 am - Other things....old church
|
In the past few months we've heard of one woman and a couple leaving our former church. The reasons for these three people leaving are basically that the church is moving in a direction away from biblical teaching. Some of the church is stepping emergent though denying it...mostly the youth side and some of the pastors/elders. I had heard rumors about NOOMAS played, but there was confirmation in our final meeting with the pastor. He had assumed we had more information than we did, and mentioned NOOMAS to us. He even put our another pastor's name (who had been let go) and thought we had a problem with that pastor, not true. Because we didn't have any youth group aged kids our knowledge of what goes on there was minimal, and so anything he mentioned only confirmed what we were told previously.
The couple and woman who left both really watched the things going on for a good amount of time. They were completely independent of one other, I doubt they talked to each other about this. They did not leave with a big fanfare, and likely would not have even realized the other had any issues. Because each were aware of our leaving, and had spoken to us in the past, they did let us know they left. We had especially been praying for the couple because we were personally closer to them, and knew they would not leave without good cause. We were very concerned they would possibly be eventually disciplined by the church if they pushed too hard. They did express themselves to the church leadership, and asked questions at times to challenge from what I could tell. They knew enough to know they cannot change that church and did not make it a goal
One thing we learned through all of this is that there are people still there who see what we see, and possibly a leadership person. We feel for any elder, staff member, or pastor who figures out the problems there because they may go through a harder time. Likely they would try to hold on even when they are very concerned because they know people in the congregation are seeing the same problems and would need a leader to confirm things. They also may be spoken to harshly by other leaders because they speak up at times. We continue to pray for those in paid positions or leadership positions who see the problems and cannot get anywhere trying to change things.
Right now, the church is also starting an all church study. Is it the bible they are studying? No, it's a book taking the account of Lazarus and changing it into something else. It focuses not on what Christ did, but on the "transformation" of Lazarus. It says we can be like Lazarus, called out of the grave. We all have "grave clothes" which are our hang ups, our worries, our bad habits. We "need community" to help us take off our graves clothes. This is just code for "you need to be in a small group so you can share all your deep dark secrets." Sure, there is something in the church called accountability, and we're to support each other, but this is pushing it way beyond. First of all, using scripture inappropriately is very wrong.
Once into the book, I believe people will be taught contemplative prayer. They will be taught to visualize Christ talking to them. This is adding to the account in the bible, asking people to imagine something that didn't happen, asking them to make an image of Jesus in their heads and have that Jesus speak to them. This is, in my estimation, worshipping or following a false imaginary Jesus. Why do people need to imagine something Jesus has done to make their lives better? Isn't dying on the cross and forgiving believers enough?
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
8:42 am - Things I won't write on my wordpress/facebook: some pregnancy stuff
|
I cannot share all my thoughts out there of facebook or wordpress...because of course I have too many friends/family that know about them. I have one personal real life friend and my husband who read this, so this is where I can vent or write when I want to share worries, rants, concerns.
Though my family knows I am pregnant they do not know about the postive screen for Downs syndrome. It is one of those opportunities for worry that makes absolutely no sense. Last time, with trisomy 18 positive screen, there was a 1 in 53 chance the baby would have it. Well, she doesn't. That meant that out of 106 women screened positive, two babies might have t-18. In reality, it may be even less. In studies 1 in 11 had t-18 with a positive screen. Still a low risk overall. Well, Downs is even lower. I have a 1 in 49 chance by bloodwork, but age is so heavily factored in. Most false positives for Downs fall on the older women. Overweight women also have issues because the hormones may be lower. The geneticist said, "with your numbers you basically have a 2% chance rather than a 1% chance of Downs like most people your age." Since that's factored in, they start with my numbers already being 1 in 98. If I was a 21 year old, my numbers would start out in like 1 in 10,000 (not sure exactly, but you get my idea). I hope I'm understanding this right, because as I understand it...the odds are stacked against older mothers in these screens to begin with. What I have read is overall, women who get a positive screen for Downs, only 1 of 100 will have a baby who has it. That's 99 women told they are at risk who actually aren't.
Something is wrong with this system. Sure, the 99 have nothing to worry about. However, many go on to have amnio. Now they are saying 1 in 500 will have a miscarriage after the amnio. That's their figures based on recent studies. That all depends though on the one doing the amnio. I probably had a doctor yesterday (who did the level 2 sonogram) who has done many successful amnios. But a woman in a rural area with a young doctor is going to have more risk. They didn't mention the risks of infection, the women who are on bedrest for threatened miscarriage after amnio...none of that. We don't do amnio. My husband said "no way" and I am agree. It's not worth the risk to my baby, nor the worry.
The sonogram actually went really well. All looked good at this time. I was confused because the doctor said, "well, you are at 9 weeks 3 days and the dates on the sonogram show 9 weeks even today." Funny, the doctor actually has a due date putting me 9 weeks 1 day and my period put me at 9 weeks even. So, where is this date saying I was 9 weeks 3 days? My early sonogram actually had me a few days earlier, in the 8th week. So I would say this baby is measuring on date because it's right in the middle of all the dates I've been given. Theese doctors and their dates. Why are dates important? Because if I go into labor at 22 weeks, the hospital may not treat the baby. Now, whose date will they go by? I might have myself at 23 weeks, a doctor may say 22. At 23 weeks a hospital may have the policy to treat, but not at 22 unless the baby looks older to the doctor, and not at all at 21. Dates can be so off, and what if they are off just enough? It's also important for the end of gestation because doctors like to induce, and fetal lungs need to be past 36 weeks to have a better chance, and really the best time is the 39th week.
Okay, I'm thinking online here, sorry if I wrote a long boring thing. It's just I wanted to get it out. I don't think our baby actually has Downs. All was well on sonogram. Even if the baby has Downs, I'm fine. We will be happy no matter what!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
| |
11:30 pm - H1N1 and Pregnancy
|
Tonight on the news a story highlighted the dangers of H1N1 and pregnancy. A woman had been sick for a few days before her scheduled delivery. I don't know if she had a c-section or what, but after delivery, she saw her baby for ten minutes. She was intubated, and just recently died. Her doctor had refused to give her tamiflu before the baby was born. The kicker is, we have crossed paths with her many years ago. She came with a co-worker of my husband's to our housewarming party in 2001. Now, I didn't really know her at all, and my husband recalls her but beyond a recollection, didn't know her really either. Still, this hits closer than I imagined.
Being pregnant, I want to do what is best for my baby. I don't want to avoid a vaccine if it will really help without harming my child. However, how can I trust something that has very little testing behind it? Fact is, I may not even get the chance...I may get the virus before the vaccine is available. There are people in our church who have had it, it's been in the schools. I would have thought it was not a big deal for me, a week ill, and then I would go on. But this risk for pregnant women is downright scary. And to top it off, tamiflu is really not recommended in pregnancy. It's better than death, but it could put the baby at risk. I am not at all interested in this. I also know a friend who's son had a bad reaction to tamiflu. He was having hallucinations. And I want my children to avoid this too. Chances are they'll all be okay, but you never can know.
Ugh, this is just hard...what to do?
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, September 14th, 2009
| |
9:43 pm - 16 ish weeks pregnant
|
I am in the 16th week (at least my early sonogram says so). I had the quad screen today, and I know that it can have false positive results. I am very sure we'll be okay this time though, I believe last time we did the quad too early and it caused all the problems. I actually lost 4 ounces since my last appoinment, which is shocking to me since I have my appetite back and have had pop a lot lately. I also have had a cough and itchy throat, so I haven't been walking. I am sure next time I'll have begun to gain weight. I'm glad I've lost a little bit since I started out so overweight. My blood pressure was only 110/70 which is great.
My favorite part is always hearing the heartbeat. It was very audible this time and was about 140, a good normal pace. In the next few weeks I'll get the quad screen results and will have a sonogram. If all goes well, it may be my last sonogram which is okay by me. Sure, I love looking, but if all is healthy then I won't NEED another one. After several pregnancies with many, many sonograms, it would be nice not to have all that extra intervention. Each peek can cause unneeded worry. I know that if the baby is small (like last time) we can hear about Down's syndrome. They also worry about baby's positioning and whether the placenta is high enough, and the amount of fluid. Less peeking means less messing with everything.
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
| |
2:57 pm - sick
|
|
Bad day today, I'm throwing up and have other bathroom issues. Two of my children are also sick. No fun to clean up after people throwing up when you feel like throwing up yourself. We were supposed to go visit friends in Minnesota tomorrow, but we'll have to put it off. Hopefully, it's just us three and the rest will be okay. I also hope the baby will be okay...I'm at 14 1/2 weeks...and trying to hydrate carefully.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
| |
2:34 pm - The kids react, now on to the hardest part...
|
|
We told the kids we're having another baby and they were thrilled (except the almost 2 year old...she didn't realize what exactly I was talking about). I got several hugs and the prayers have been all thanks for the new baby. The hardest part is telling our parents and other family. Just today my sister in law mentioned the news the Duggars have shared, that they are having #19, and she trashed them up and down for being irresponsible and well, just stupid. It's not really the environment, she just cannot see how they can give their kids enough attention. She also seemed to dislike the money they made on a reality show. I believe you cannot criticize for having so many children you cannot care for them and then criticize for making money so you can pay for all those kids. It makes no sense to me. At any rate, all the criticism of people we do not know makes me want to hide my pregnancy until the birth. Only problem, I show when I'm pregnant and if I don't tell someone will see. It's only a matter of time.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, August 31st, 2009
| |
11:38 am - 14 ish weeks
|
Had a doctor's appointment today. The whole point for me was to hear the heartbeat. I did get to...it was funny as it was superimosed over mine. She couldn't get them apart, so I heard both at the same time. Kind of beautiful that way really.
I have continued to loose a bit of weight, but not much. It was about a pound 1/2 since my last appointment a month ago. Overall, I've lost about six pound though the doctor's records show four pounds since I've met with her. It's really not that much and no big deal. It's also okay since I'm so overweight. I am hoping to gain less than 25 lbs in this pregnancy because I am already as big as I was at the end of my 4th birthing day.
My blood pressure was great, I make sure they use the bigger girl cuff. No, my arm doesn't look big, but it is just borderline and is actually the size for the bigger girl cuff. It always makes at least a 10 point difference for me. It was 125/80. If I had used the normal cuff, I would have had a discussion that it was getting a bit higher (135/85ish or so at least). I am glad I insist. I am always a bit higher in the doctor's office anyway because I am so excited to be talking about the baby.
I did ask her about hep lock, freedom of movement, and intermittent monitoring...and cervical checks. She was fine with me having choices. She did say that if baby has a bad decel she likes to monitor for a while so likes mom in bed for that...but if baby looks variable then it's okay to move around. I understand this, but do plan to still move in bed (this is very possible and does help) as well as push to move if baby looks okay after 10 mintues. She said, "we will be getting you a good nurse that has experience with moms who have natural birth, we don't want you to have the experience you had last time." I told her that my experiences were never as bad as last time, and a good nurse can make a difference. She agreed. I am still checking out the midwife soon, and can easily call the midwife instead of the doctor when I am in labor. Heard great things about the midwife being into natural birth and less interventionalist than doctors. I also like to prep the doctor though, because the midwife could be on vacation or something. I like having two people ready and having them for back up. I also know there is always a doctor on call in this group if mine cannot be here, I may have to meet these other doctors too.
I am going to let the kids know now, since we've heard a heartbeat at 14ish weeks...
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, August 24th, 2009
| |
5:52 pm - We're needing ideas
|
Looked into help out there, spoken to our mortgage company. We'd pay more with the stupid stimulus package...no options. We're really strained. One trusted friend suggested sell (with a well worn house). We'd likely loose money but not go through the foreclosure. But then again, finding a place to live that is cheaper for soon to be 9 people...I don't see how we can do it. We are struggling and no work situation is immediate enough to help. His schedule is so weird.
Any ideas? We do not even qualify for food stamp help...we're $90 over. We don't want to go the government assistance route anyway, but if we have no choice we'd do it. However, we don't qualify. So, I guess we aren't mooching off the system at least...God has a plan. It may just be to teach us discipline.
If you can think of anything to help with mortgage, let me know! I am not asking for charity, just asking for ideas.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, August 22nd, 2009
| |
3:38 pm - getting afternoon sickies
|
I am better with the morning sickies...it's not most of the day but usually after lunch until sometime after supper. I even have had days without it at all. Have lost about 6 lbs this first three months, but I am not at all worried as it's not throw up loss (I do not throw up just gag). I have been walking a lot, about 2 miles each walk. I have been eating better, no pop except when we RARELY go out to eat. Soon I won't feel the sickies, and then the cravings will hit and I will be sure to gain weight. I hope to not gain more than 20 lbs because I am overweight. I usually gain less than 25 in pregnancy, it's after the pregnancy when I initially loose but then gain again while nursing and eating like crazy.
I am nervous about the hospital birth, but not really a home birther. I just don't want the same experience as last time, that nurse was awful. My doctor has privilages at another hospital and I may switch (or if doc seems intervention happy I will get another). I am also going to meet the midwife in the group, my plan is next month for that. If I like her I'll use her as my primary rather than a doctor. I've heard good things about the midwife.
We are struggling financially, which makes telling family about this little one hard. We will make it, but it's getting tighter and tighter. We do not qualify for any assistance on the mortage, we'd actually pay more with the stimulus help (isn't that ironic). We also know we don't qualify for food assistance, $90 over. That's okay, my husband was VERY uncomfortable using that system anyway. I want to help by substitute teaching, but he has to get set days off and so far his job is uninterested in being flexible like that for us. I could earn over $100/day subbing, which would help immensely...immensely. His sister is even giving us money, though we didn't ask. That is not really our idea of a good thing for her, but she insisted when she heard how tight it is. We are at least never hungry around here, always have shelter and clohtes. Hey, I'm typing on a computer, so it's not that bad put in perspective. Lifestyle is tricky like that...it can FEEL like you have little when you have a house full of stuff! Weird how we get used to things.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
christianlady's journal